Yesterday I spent several hours cleaning out our car. I took everything out out of it, vacuumed the entire thing, wiped down all the hard surfaces, and then put everything back. Anything that went back into the car was organized and now has it’s own place. The seats could use a good scrubbing and the windows need to be washed but that will have to wait for another day. I’m actually considering having it detailed instead of me doing it since yesterday took a lot out of me.
That’s the thing about chronic illness, you have a few good days in a row and this little voice in your head tells you that you’re getting better. That you can do more. And if you listen then you end up paying for that decision for days, or maybe even weeks, on end. With this move I keep pushing myself, even when I know I shouldn’t because there are just some things that have to be done and other projects that once started have to be finished. Which means sometimes the decision to push further isn’t always a conscious one.
About halfway through the cleaning yesterday I knew I was going to pay for it but leaving the car torn apart wasn’t really an option as my husband was waiting for me to finish so he could go to the store. And since he was going through things in the utility room and throwing things away, so he could get the trash can filled and out on the curb so it could be picked up today, I wasn’t about to have him stop what he was doing to finish a project I had started. He already does so much that at times I feel guilty.
But that means I’ve been having trouble breathing since yesterday, my hands and feet are swollen, my chest is tight, I woke up with a headache, and my pain level is higher than what it has been.
If I’m lucky in a few days things will level out and other than being tired, in pain, and having trouble breathing I’ll be okay. If I’m not, then I’ll end up sick and this minor activity will cost me several weeks and set back the move even more. Today I’ll be doing easy, less strenuous activities. I’m going to try to get the rest of my office packed up. I figure wiping my hard drive and removing the ink cartridges from my printer is easy enough. The actual packing will be a little harder but I should be able to at least get the computer packed away. The bookcase and packing up the printer and monitor might have to wait for another day.
As long as the fatigue doesn’t hit hard and the headache doesn’t get worse, I should be able to get some writing done so today won’t be a complete waste of time.
A little over a year ago I started taking CBD oil. I don’t have insurance and so I can’t afford to go to the doctor. The CBD oil has helped so much. A year ago not being able to breathe, being in constant pain, having constant headaches, having my hand and feet be swollen all the time, extreme fatigue, and brain fog were just par for the course. That was my every day reality. Now, after having learned to manage my condition on my own, I’m always surprised at how much I was able to do given how poorly I felt. And now, when I have those days it makes me appreciate the good days even more. But it also makes those bad days even harder.
But for today, at least, I’m going to take it easy, while still trying to make some progress. I definitely see a nap in my immediate future though.
Each day is a new fight and I’m far from being ready to throw in the towel.